Why do philosophers often pose beards?

We all remember Karl Marx and his bubbly and dishevelled beard. But what is the secret behind this philosophical fashion accessory? It could be argued that the more elevated you are in the echelons of philosophical society, the longer the beard. The beard then might serve as rank according to the academic achievement of a philosopher.

If one was to take a look at G. E. Moore, for example – we will see that in fact he has no beard. Might this suggest his low status in the philosophical world? But let us not delve too deeply into any ranking structure and focus more on the beards relevance to ensuring a philosophical genius.

Now what material does a philosopher require? Of course, his faculties need to be intact and all sensory perception unhindered so that he might pursue his course at acquiring knowledge. But to transcribe his thoughts and render all sapience sempiternal and available to the collective, he must of course have at hand stationary equipment, i.e. pen and paper. Now what an advantage a philosopher has when he can utilise his beard as a storage device for all stationary equipment and the bigger the beard the better; for an A4 notepad would not sit well in your average three inch beard. Mr. Marx’s beard would have no difficulty in housing a desk and a cornucopia of writing implements. Today’s modern philosopher now has at hand a Laptop computer. The philosopher with a beard seemingly superfluous in its design would be more than able to accommodate the latest wide-screen Laptop computer.

Now, there are often anomalies that frustrate any argument. Take for example Mr. David Bellamy. He does pose an impressive beard, and yet it is contrary to my premise. Mr. Bellamy, as seen in the picture here, is a rather silly man who often vocalizes remarks in an unnatural tone; much like a hippo on Diazepam. But I must stress that he in fact is not a philosopher, but rather a botanist, and it is extremely likely that he should stumble upon plant life that often finds itself processed into Class ‘A’ drugs. But let us not forget the man with the greatest beard of all, good old Father Christmas. With this man’s benevolence, his unparalleled knowledge with regards to children that have not been ‘naughty’, he has to be on the throne of philosophical achievement.